its really difficult for me to move on and move forward right now with nothing pulling me, nothing to move towards.

i'm not really sure what to write but i feel the need to write. it feels like there's a lot going on, but then i think about how i spent the night watching movies and tv.

it feels like this came on really quickly. not long ago, in my world, she was strong and fighting and sharing her light with everyone around her through smartass comments and by being just who she was. Now she is gone.

It didn't hit me right away. And I don't think it will hit me all at once. But I imagine that all I have will pour out of me in just a few weeks, when we celebrate her.

I know it's the right mentality, to celebrate her, but it doesn't really hurt less.

i had a moment the other day where i realized that it isnt quite schoolwork that i despise so much as to keep me from doing it until the last minute. this is not a pattern throughout my entire academic careers (at both higher education institutions). it has something to do with the end.

it is only when the end is coming. maybe it's just simple senioritis. but wouldn't the end coming be a push to make it get here faster?

whatever it is, here i am, trying to finish my thesis and with no willpower. there's not a bone in my body that WANTS to do this work. my heart and head want to fastforward a month to when i've written a fantastic thesis and am in Boston with a job and my love and life is easy.

I really think I've written this same journal entry while in the midst of trying to complete a capstone work. oy vey. what is my problem.

but also, why does my friends page only show like the three most recent entries? lj, what happened?

back to work, i guess.
at least it feels good to be half packed and moved out and to have pretty finger nails and a clean room.

deadlines don't scare me anymore. they don't put enough pressure on me to finish. when did that happen? when did i seriously stop caring? or when did i start to feel comfortable pushing the limits set by others who are superior to me?

i really need something to slap me into caring again. or, i just need to get to it. i'm a little afraid of the form a slap might come in, so it's time to really get my shit together...

gonna be an ugly couple of months. no fun until may.

you have no idea how it feels to be alone.

So, I've started writing again in my personal journal. Finally. Every other night or so, when I'm not too tired. It's really nice to just blurt out random things to the paper. I tend to think I have an over-sharing issue, and it's nice to have something to share with that won't end up biting me in the ass.

Glee tonight = way awesome. Yay for confronting bullying. And also for letting people know that it's scary to be different, and that people do bad things because they're scared of their own differences.

In other news, I'm finding it hard to see good. Isn't that sad? I used to consider myself a person who gave people too many chances, too much benefit of the doubt. And in some ways I still do that. But I tend to go immediately to the negative too often.

I'm working on it. Catching myself in it and challenging myself. But I think I really need a vacation. A change of scenery.

I'm just starting to be a little afraid that I'll keep needing a change of scenery in order to fix my issues in dealing with people. Or, hopefully, the practice I've had here will really benefit me when I move on.

And that is too far away to worry about, but close enough to still freak me out.

Ugh.

"Diversity is the one thing we all have in common."

Hm. Today I went to an "Experiencing Diversity" Workshop at work, put on by HR. It was a well spent morning, good to hear what's up in the other departments, where my colleagues are coming from.

But it was also upsetting. There were those in the group who would rather not address something than engage in a conversation that might be challenging and a bit uncomfortable.

Now, I am not one who likes confrontation, and I will not tell you I've never avoided a difficult conversation. But the purpose of our roles is to educate students, to help make them better people. So if you heard a student say something that you know would be extremely offensive to many, you wouldn't confront them just because it was about religion, a touchy subject? What are you doing then? How are you impacting these students? Other than signing a form?

Today I'm in an aggravated, frustrated place.

I am alone in CT and hate it more than I can say. I want to live with my girlfriend, come home to her, have friends to spend time with, and enjoy my alone time at the same time. You can't enjoy your alone time when it's all you have. You can't appreciate it when it drives you nuts.

I'm beginning to feel, not incompetent, but troubled, about my job. How did others do it? Why is it taking me hours to complete one task. Granted, the task probably merits hours of work, but how did others manage it that they didn't go crazy? How did past interns in this position not feel like they were going crazy?

I am a good supervisor, and my students like me. It's the other stuff that is taking forever and makes me feel like I don't know how to manage my time.

My living situation is much less than desirable. Messy roommates make me not want to cook because the kitchen is a mess. I'm tired of living in a room, I want a house. Or some other larger space that is mine that I can roam in and if I want to fall asleep on the living room couch, that's okay.



I just want to fastforward. Graduation is seven months away. I am not looking forward to the job hunt, but I am anxious to move home and settle.



Three good things?
+ I am making cookies tonight. For MYSELF. Not for my staff, not for my colleagues, not for my girlfriend. For me.
+ I have decided to write a master's thesis, and though this will kick my ass, it will be an extremely important project in my life and will make me rather marketable.
+ Someday I will not be broke.

At ACUI nationals in California, a presenter had us write a letter to our future selves.

While cleaning my room from top to bottom this evening, I came across the letter.

As this was a professional experience, I wrote to myself that I would be excited for beginning my profession, however that were to happen. I told myself that I had good mentors and resources, and that even more would come.

But just before concluding the letter, I wrote to myself:
You will also be okay on your own. I promise.

Damn. That still hits me hard. Brings me back some. To a number of things that I've gone through.

But it's nice to look back and know that I did do okay.

Sigh.

today, a young man committed suicide. his sexual experiences, because they were homosexual, were videoed by his roommate and plastered on the web. whatever that young man, a violinist, a student, a son, was feeling, it led him to jump off a bridge.

how do people do things like this? i cannot in any way understand how this happens.

mountain day photos.
a life i didn't experience, don't know.
facebook dumb.
too much homework.
gotta catch up at the office.
so many busses.
friends i don't talk to.
gaining, sustaining.
loving hard.
the x files.
finding confidence.
where's the mind stimulation?
stress.
fatigue.
pasta.