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It is so frustrating to care for someone and not be allowed to be there for them. Not be allowed to comfort them.

All I want to do is love you and care for you. And for you to stop making stupid decisions.

I realize this now.

When I give you a piece of my heart, and you break it, even if we are friends thereafter, I am going to hate just about everything you do.

You hurt me. And so all that you do is somehow geared towards hurting me. From the moment you stop caring about me, it is obvious that you have no consideration for me. You say things without thinking one second if it will hurt me.

I also realize this.

This is all absurd. And the world does not revolve around me.

But because I still care so for you, my mind thinks all this is true.

Stupid. But reality.

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Monologue of a dialogue I can't have

Are you awake?

I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about that night together. The last one. The one that seemed to last forever.

I can remember what you felt like. How your hands felt on me. How your lips tasted.

I can remember what your eyes looked like. How deeply into my soul they saw when you stared at me. I can't help but remember how they burned. That rawness. That fire.

I can't sleep because I want you. Not just to touch and hold but to have and love. Well, I don't know if it goes that far yet. But that's the problem. I have no option to see what it could be. So I'm stuck here with this amazing evening stuck in my head and no where to go with it.

Just done, I guess, we have to be. But I'm not good at that. Never have been. Especially when I don't agree with the reasons why.

So here I am. Unable to sleep. Just thinking of you and how good we fit.

No I guess you're not awake. Because you don't think about that night like I do. Or about us like I do.

Sometimes I'm such a stupid girl. Oh well. Wouldn't really want my heart to work differently.

Hope you're sleeping well. At least one of us is.

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Am feeling a bit lost. Need a place to put my words. But not sure what the right place is. Or maybe I'm not sure what the right words are. That's it.

Nov. 15th, 2012

Sometimes it gets tiring to explain your lifestyle. You forget what it's like, because you become comfortable, having explained everything to whoever you're with.

But then, that ends. And you find yourself having to explain to someone new.

And then you feel crappy because you realize there are still people in the world who think that your love is not the same as theirs.

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Nov. 4th, 2012

she's so right/
even thought she's with someone else tonight/
she just might be mine in the end
It is important to not let one person or small group of people be the key to your happiness.

However, it is far to easy to let this happen.

I should probably go live on a deserted island for a few months.



Ha.

Queen

I just want to share my bed with someone. Want their arm to fold over me at just the right moment before we both drift off to sleep.

My bed is big enough. I promise.

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Messing Around

Let me tell you something. If you want to mess around with someone - strictly mess around, no strings attached, let's get it on but not care one bit - make sure it's with an asshole.

Because if it's not, you're gonna start to care. If it's with someone who is not just gorgeous on the outside, but is also extremely beautiful on the inside and caring and smart and fun, you're gonna start to develop feelings. You're gonna start to want more than just sex.

Here's another thing. Maybe you shouldn't spend every day with them. It starts as flirting, but as each day goes by, it becomes cuddling all the time, texting when you're across the room from each other, feeling like something's wrong if you don't see them everyday. Those kisses start to feel more like relationship kisses rather than just this is fun and exciting for now kisses.

So make sure it's an asshole. Or at least that it's someone available. I guess either will work.

I tend to go for neither of those scenarios. I don't know how but I tend to end up falling for the unavailable amazing person who also likes me but it can't go anywhere.

So learn a lesson from my ridiculous heart. Pick the asshole for messing around.

Oct. 13th, 2012

That feeling when you truly love someone. When you know that they should and will be a part of your life forever.

That feeling when someone tells you it's over. That they don't love you anymore. That they haven't really loved you for a while. That you've been the only one trying for months.

Is it strange that those two things feel the same? My stomach churns the same way, gets upset. My eyes well up. I don't want to eat for a day or five. I can't sleep for a night or five.

Weird.

I wish life would settle. But I don't think it ever really does.

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